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What is the one word that you wish you could delete from your mind’s dictionary? If you deleted it, you would never think of its meaning again nor be influenced by its consequences. Any word come to mind?
“MUST” is a Dangerous Word
My most desired deletion is the word, “MUST.”
Oh sure, many other words can get me into deep doo-doo, but no other concept like the one represented by the four letters m, u, s, and t has led me to as much anger and frustration. I believe that “MUST” is very dangerous to your well-being. How about you?
When you think about it, we really have very few true “MUSTS” in life. By definition, “MUSTS” mean we have no choice or alternative, so we must do or accept the predicate of a must sentence as fact. For example: “If I want to continue as a human being, I must breathe.”
Make Your “MUSTS” List
Stop reading for a minute and make a list of your own “MUSTS” for living a happy and satisfied life. (No really, you “MUST” stop reading and make a list of your musts or the rest of this post is a waste of your time!) Funny, huh?
Now that you have made your list of “MUSTS” for happiness and satisfaction, could you defend your “MUSTS” in a court of law? More difficult yet, can it be defended in a court of logic?
The Magic of Wishes
Most of the time we lie to ourselves and believe that we have discovered a “MUST,” when in reality, we have a “PREFERENCE” or a “DESIRE” or a “WISH.” For example: “I “MUST” have (fill in the blank) to be happy and satisfied.” I might like to have (fill in the blank), but I can think of some other ways I might be happy and satisfied without (fill in the blank.) So it may very well be my preference or even good for me to have whatever I think I might need to be happy and satisfied, but “MUST” it really be so? Most often the logical answer is no. Many frustrations magically disappear if we can simply find and replace our “MUST” with “WISH.”
My problem is that I am not a purely logical creature. I am an imperfect human who is quick to “MUST” in many situations. When I don’t get my “MUST,” I use the childish technique of pitching an internal temper tantrum to express my feelings of anger, frustration, unfairness and righteous indignation of my present world. Because to my emotional mind, when a “MUST” is not happening, then it is “AWFUL!” and “MUST NOT” be that way.
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
Dr. Albert Ellis, PhD, was a noted American psychologist and the father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
Dr. Ellis suggested three core beliefs or philosophies that humans tend to use to think themselves into feeling disturbed:
“I absolutely MUST, under practically all conditions and at all times, perform well (or outstandingly well) and win the approval (or complete love) of significant others. If I fail in these important—and sacred—respects, that is awful and I am a bad, incompetent, unworthy person, who will probably always fail and deserves to suffer.”
(Rational result: Holding this belief when faced with adversity tends to contribute to feelings of anxiety, panic, depression, despair, and worthlessness.)
“Other people with whom I relate or associate, absolutely MUST, under practically all conditions and at all times, treat me nicely, considerately and fairly. Otherwise, it is terrible and they are rotten, bad, unworthy people who will always treat me badly and do not deserve a good life and should be severely punished for acting so abominably to me.”
(Rational result: Holding this belief when faced with adversity tends to contribute to feelings of anger, rage, fury, and vindictiveness.)
“The conditions under which I live absolutely MUST, at practically all times, be favorable, safe, hassle-free, and quickly and easily enjoyable, and if they are not that way it’s awful and horrible and I can’t bear it. I can’t ever enjoy myself at all. My life is impossible and hardly worth living.”
(Rational result: Holding this belief when faced with adversity tends to contribute to frustration and discomfort, intolerance, self-pity, anger, depression, and to behaviors such as procrastination, avoidance, and inaction.)
Source: Ellis, Albert (2003). Early theories and practices of rational emotive behavior theory and how they have been augmented and revised during the last three decades. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 21(3/4)
A Cure for “MUST-ITIS”
There is a simple cure for “MUST-ITIS.” Confront your thinking logically with questions like: “Is it true that I “MUST”…?” “What evidence do I have to support my “MUST” belief?”
Most likely, upon close analysis, we will find we have misused “MUST,” and we can clarify and defuse our explosive reactions by substituting “WISH” or “PREFER” instead.
Lastly, once we have our wishes and preferences clearly before us, we can choose how we want to feel and respond to them. We can decide that we might wish something were different, but it “IS” what it “REALLY IS” and we can accept it as it really is. We might not like it, but if we cannot change it, we can accept it.
There is tremendous power to battle “MUST-ITIS” in Reinhold Niebuhr’s untitled Serenity Prayer:
God, grant us the…Serenity to accept things we cannot change, Courage to change the things we can, and the Wisdom to know the difference Patience for the things that take time Appreciation for all that we have, and Tolerance for those with different struggles Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
Our world “MUST” be as it is because that is the way that it is. We may not like it, but it will ruin us if we believe that it “MUST” be different and to our liking. We can do our part to change our circumstance or situation to be more to our liking, but if we are unsuccessful, we can accept it and live with it.
Here’s to a successful “MUST-ECTOMY!”
I “WISH” you happiness and satisfaction.
Ready to fire up your work and your life? I’m an executive coach from Indianapolis, and I work one-on-one with executives and managers, in person for local clients or via Zoom. If this post raised a question about your work or your next step, we should talk. The first discovery call is free and confidential. Book your discovery call, or call or text me at 317-643-0058, Monday through Friday, 9 to 5.
